Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think my fart just growled at me.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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