you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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