we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
