I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize