I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
