I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
