Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
