life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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