Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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