happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
