I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
