Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
