WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
