I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
splinters make it hard to masturbate
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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