Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
