I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
