The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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