i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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