If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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