I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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