I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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