Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
