Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
