this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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