Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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