I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
