Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
