Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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