you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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