the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
