Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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