Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
