her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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