All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
