dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize