he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
