What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize