I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
