I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Text me some of your sweat
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