The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
