Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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