If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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