Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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