some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
