this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
