Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
