I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
