Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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