if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.