You can't special order awesome
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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