i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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