So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
