I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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