when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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