so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
