I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
