What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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