Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
