I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
